Thursday, December 29, 2011

New year resolution

I know a lot of people make all new resolutions every year, they promise to lose weight and eat better, stop smoking, be more patient, but I refuse to play along. There are enough disappointments and failures in life to not add another. I have made them before and by the third week I have given up. I end up kicking myself for the rest of the year about how I failed myself. It is not worth it. If you want to lose weight it is okay to start in march or September. January 1st does not have to be the start of failure.


I'm going to say it and if might offend some of you, the older I get the more I like clothes made in Cambodia. They really know they are doing.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

How dare you?

I called for you to listen, not to tell me i was wrong and all the ways I was wrong. Sometimes if you just let people vent they will come up with the solution on their own. The only thing they needed from you was your ears not your mouth.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Me or the medicine

In the process of finding a fix for my epilepsy, I have tried all different medications, had the side effects, been taken off them and put on new ones with new side effects. It gets to the point where I do not even know if constant headaches, fatigue, mood swings, nausea, blurred vision, and dizziness are just me. No matter what the medication it all has some of this and some of that, like Texas chilli. Maybe one will give you migraines but your mood is great. Another will make you so tired you cannot stand up but your headache is very small or nonexistent. Some make you depressed so you need to add an anti depressant for more side effects but you'll have somewhat of a balance mentally.
I wish doctors would take medicine sometimes so they would truly know how you feel. I think they would be more empathetic if they also had a laundry list of medications and side effects.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Christmas mom

My mom was different than, what I am finding out, most moms and that made it for a rough Christmas. As a child my mother invited everyone to our house for Christmas and daily dinners for that matter. I do not know if she was a saint and never wanted anyone to eat alone or if she just loved to stay In the kitchen cooking for twenty people. My dad was in the us navy and I remember her always telling him to invite all the single sailors. As I got older she would tell all of us girls to bring a friend and tell them to invite a friend. My husband has friends that were always over for the holidays, and so does my sisters husbands. I do not remember a quiet family Christmas. There was always someone.
This year we are in Maine, far away from any family and it was the loneliest christmas ever. I had my husband and children but what about all the other people? Should I have invited the neighbors, strangers, or called upon the Boston redox to come and eat? They have got to be hungry.
I had plans to go to a girlfriends house and spend Christmas with at least 10 people but my husband was brought up different. For him it is about being with family, just family.
For the first time in 33 years four people sat at the Christmas table and my heart broke.
Thank you mom for being so giving, and teaching us that family is not just husbands and children. It is friends, and friends of friends, and families that do not feel like making a huge christmas meal for two people and people that do not have family around.
You taught me about family and people and for that I thank you.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Rough to start over

Today I had a appointment with my neurologist and like it often is I left more frustrated than when I walked in their door. I have a rare form of epilepsy and every time I see a new doctor they question whether I have seizures or not. At the medical university of south Carolina they speculated that it was just a nervous tick until an emergency EEG was done and I had fifty- nine seizures in 57 minutes. They soon apologized for their mistake. This new doctor in Maine of course cannot rely on musc's test and procedures they want to do it all over again, testing whether I have epilepsy at all. It is so frustrating to have to do it all over again every couple years. All new hospital stays, all new diets and medicines. When, when will all this stop.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011


I sat there eating and waiting for you to come around the corner, you never came. I saw several men, tall men, blonde men but not you. Of course not you. I wanted so bad for you to be there. No words, just a smile, order a sandwich, and sit with me. Eat together and enjoy each other..... Quietly.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Closer to you

In light of all that has happened the past 48 hours I have to question if it is easier on me because I am closer to You. 
My husband and I had a dear friend killed in a car accident by another friend who is in critical condition at the hospital. Yes, they were driving extremely fast while drinking. We have spoken on the phone to several people we are also friends with comforting and consulting. Here is what I have found.... Those people that know You, seem to be taking this in stride. We all comfort each other but are comforted in Your love. We know whether they were drinking or sober, driving fast or slow, if You wanted to take them You will and did. 
To all the people that deny you or have never known of your love and grace, they suffer. They seem to take this harder than anyone else. 
Is it You? Is it You that keeps us non-fearful of death? We know that there is a place way beyond earth that is luxurious and perfect. We know of your love and comfort. With You we are strong enough to lead those without your comfort to a place of joy. Thank you.