Evil

Who knows you the best? Your spouse? Your parents? Friends? I am having a debate in my head about the answer. Just because someone has known you for 30 years does that mean they know you the best? Or do they know 30 years of baggage? Do they sometimes reflect on things you did 15 years ago and say "Remember I know you" Maybe they should say they knew you. In even 1 year a person can change dramatically and the person they were is no longer there. It is hard for someone to be around the people that once knew them. When conflict comes up it is automatically your fault in their eyes because 10 years ago it would have been. What about new friends that you talk to on a daily basis. Do they know you? The new you? Maybe the you that has always been there and is just now showing?

Someone close to me has called me selfish and rude and confrontational when they were not even there. They have no idea how calm I have been. They assume that I am some evil person. Is this person really close to me? Do they really know me? No, I hope not.

Nervous

One thing is for sure, I do not have the best track record with Doctors. I am quick to shut them out and never go to another appointment. It is as if I am waiting for them to say one little thing to piss me off just so I can have an excuse to never back. Because I have all this useful information about myself I know I need to try harder to open myself up, listen to critical advice, and try not to judge them as they sit there and judge me.

I have an appointment today and I will do my best.... at least I will try.

Get your Ass up

Last Thursday I did not feel well, a little down in the dumps, and everyday since gets worse and worse. Thursday I called a doctor to get a referral to see a counselor as soon as possible. I know myself well enough to know nip it in the bud as soon as possible so you do not get into the danger zone. It has been a week and I still have no counselor, or medicine, or help and I get worse by the day.

I tell myself to get your fat ass of the couch and do something. GO SOMEWHERE!! Anywhere!! I got into the truck today and drove around the cul-de-sac circle only to pull back into the driveway. I know what I need to do but I just cannot seem to do it (it being anything).

I just want to eat, Eat until I am sick. Eat until I hate myself.

I have now contacted all of my doctors, Neurologist, Ob-GYN, and family doctor to call in an anti-depressant for me but no one is able. Family doctor is out til next Wendsday and Neurologist only prescribes anti-epileptic drugs, OB only prescribes vaginal stuff. I ask myself, it has been 8 days now and I am still waiting for some thing to help. What if? What if I get to the danger zone and still have no help? Will they help the next person that calls and says please call this prescription, I really need it? Or will they allow another person to slip through the cracks.

I hate feeling like this every couple of months for no reason. I guess I could gather many little stupid things but the truth is there is nothing REALLY wrong. Life, my life, welcome.