tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-49757401413701659142024-03-05T07:29:12.479-08:00FlickerLife with epilepsy has been a lot of trial and error. Okay lets be honest life in general has been trial and error. Here is my process of learning and growing everyday.rgthomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05264301998878814593noreply@blogger.comBlogger39125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4975740141370165914.post-3681992824844752272012-04-05T17:08:00.001-07:002012-04-05T17:08:52.761-07:00ThoughtsI wonder if when the wind blows in the trees, the birds are like "oh shit another earthquake"rgthomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05264301998878814593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4975740141370165914.post-74502402273411462572012-03-16T17:18:00.001-07:002012-03-16T17:18:31.096-07:00DogsAs much as I love my dogs it will not trump my hate for dealing with the court system. Tonight the cops came to the door and we are being charged with dogs at large. My dogs chased a horse down and the horse got injured. Now we have to pay court citation fees, their vet bills and a fence. To the dogs... You can only push me so far. Your on your way out the door.rgthomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05264301998878814593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4975740141370165914.post-1346643267249526262012-02-24T06:50:00.001-08:002012-02-24T06:50:39.126-08:00FocusYou would think I would be able to focus on my hospital stay, eat the way they want me to eat, seize the way they want me to seize, cut back on the coffee, ect. I would love to focus on my baby sister having a new baby girl in seven weeks or maybe my older sister who is going through a tough time. I could focus on my two boys at home sick with ear infections, or my grandparents that are not feeling well.<br />
<br />
Instead all the attention has been placed upon a man that does not deserve it. A man that has been cruel and selfish to us all. Thank you for taking all the attention off what is serious and allowing yourself to be a joke we can all laugh about for years to come.rgthomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05264301998878814593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4975740141370165914.post-82985624636271506082012-02-24T05:31:00.001-08:002012-02-25T10:11:02.400-08:00DepakoteAfter spending a week in the hospital without medicine the doctor decided to triple my Depakote before I get sent home. Boy I slept good last night. I would average an hour after my medicine was given, I was out. My button pusher (grandma) said I never tossed or turned. My body laid still And I sure felt good the next morning. It is nice sometimes to over sleep and not have dogs or little boys waking you up at night. Thank you overdose on Depakote, I feel good today.rgthomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05264301998878814593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4975740141370165914.post-63953042492824982732012-02-23T11:38:00.001-08:002012-02-23T14:06:40.674-08:00Skip&apos;s letterWell all those words and only one sentence of truth.... You were kicked out of my home and I would do it all over again. Although if you remember correctly you said and I quote, "I am leaving, i'm not going to put up with this for a week and a half" and I said good, get the fuck out. Alienate me just like you have done two of your other daughters. This all came after you told lies about the morning and i just could not listen to your lies for one more second. I for one have listened your lies long enough, or misunderstandings, or omitting the whole truth.<br />
<br />
I am stunned how you took a very nice blog about mom and twisted it to be something awful. I am sorry. I thought I was dealing with adults that could read and comprehend, I am continuously shown that I am not.<br />
<br />
I have for sure been kicked out of your house several times so please do not say you have never done that. About the yelling, no one yells and berates more than you. All of my life I have made excuses for you and stuck up for you. You yell because your feelings are hurt and you never mean any harm. What a joke. How stupid I have been.<br />
<br />
you did send out an apology to all of us girls to say sorry for all you have ever done, very generalized and not taking any responsibility for anyone single action. No responsibility for saying all your "friendship" with sherry was my fault for mom helping take care of the kids when I was in the hospital. You cannot be left alone. By the way I never kissed Pete. When I say we were friends we actually were. No lies on my part. <br />
<br />
You are the common denominator in all of this.... The drama and hate. You!!!!!<br />
<br />
You should thank mom everyday for staying with you. You should be laying out the red carpet and groveling beside her. You should be buying her flowers everyday and not for the past year but for the past thirty. <br />
<br />
You have gotten lucky and as with anyone luck runs out.<br />
I do not hate you but I do not hate anyone. I do dislike you.rgthomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05264301998878814593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4975740141370165914.post-79640953291185722072012-02-23T07:32:00.001-08:002012-02-23T07:32:52.131-08:00QuoteOrganization is the key functionalityrgthomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05264301998878814593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4975740141370165914.post-75046152377857892492012-02-22T18:44:00.001-08:002012-02-22T18:44:30.232-08:00QuoteOrganization is the key functionalityrgthomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05264301998878814593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4975740141370165914.post-32438584464054951262012-02-22T16:54:00.005-08:002012-02-24T05:14:39.985-08:00EEGSo what is this number seven in the past three years? You would think I could hook up the electrodes myself by now. All the doctors say the same thing, "we can see you are having epileptic seizures, but we cannot tell where they come from or what type you have." I just smile because I have heard it all before. I know I am an odd duck. I know that there is no rhyme or reason. I know that no neurologist or epilologist is able to diagnose me. All is constantly up in the air. Some doctors think because they got education from Yale they are better qualified than those that went to school in Georgia and south Carolina. They cannot seem to find a "cure" either. I am just the elite, the odd duck. Are my seizures coming from my occipital lobe? The PET scan says no but most of my symptoms say yes. One doctor says it is primary generalized seizure disorder although the symptoms do not match. Another says maybe I have a couple types. Who knows. This is what I know, I have epilepsy. I have seizures. The type really does not matter, right?<div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE27gLFna7Jo3y02sMlAx1CSo2Xx07cW2p6Vkh4UbwpzI5UQjzmcH2dxbqy-G7VKKl_jErCTrAD2uEkykgAxykA_BKeegz-PHC9tM7obdxyJDdFaY3n3pa-SvuxyQLickNGyCczW6QE5HR/s640/blogger-image-2041747918.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE27gLFna7Jo3y02sMlAx1CSo2Xx07cW2p6Vkh4UbwpzI5UQjzmcH2dxbqy-G7VKKl_jErCTrAD2uEkykgAxykA_BKeegz-PHC9tM7obdxyJDdFaY3n3pa-SvuxyQLickNGyCczW6QE5HR/s640/blogger-image-2041747918.jpg" /></a></div>rgthomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05264301998878814593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4975740141370165914.post-64494893913295658772012-02-22T16:54:00.003-08:002012-02-23T08:00:41.462-08:00ChangesAll of my life my mother has been a source of wisdom, light and most importantly strength. She has four girls, now woman, raised just like her, in her image: intelligent, witty, strong, and commanding. We know when to stand our ground and when to appear less than. <br />
Change has effected my family in the deepest way. The one constant has now erupted. The steadiness that we depended on has been subject of humiliation: affairs, eating disorders, mental abuse, overloading of medications, ridicule from someone she thought was a partner.<br />
Now what? She raised us and when she needs us the most, we are here. Alone, my sisters and I are powerful, together we are forces to be recon with. We l hold you up. We will take care of you until you become the source of light we have always known.rgthomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05264301998878814593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4975740141370165914.post-68010534356487001422012-02-22T16:54:00.001-08:002012-02-23T06:42:34.390-08:00LentThis years lent will be super easy, I have been in this hospital since Tuesday morning and I have obviously deprived myself of everything. No more laundry, dishes, bed making, boy chasing, butt wiping days for me. I am practicing lent.rgthomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05264301998878814593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4975740141370165914.post-29708753428825565622012-01-12T04:07:00.001-08:002012-01-12T04:07:48.144-08:00SnowSnow<br />
Serene<br />
Tranquil and mystic<br />
Playful and deadly<br />
Snowrgthomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05264301998878814593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4975740141370165914.post-17755111895173891842011-12-29T03:38:00.001-08:002011-12-29T03:38:43.970-08:00New year resolutionI know a lot of people make all new resolutions every year, they promise to lose weight and eat better, stop smoking, be more patient, but I refuse to play along. There are enough disappointments and failures in life to not add another. I have made them before and by the third week I have given up. I end up kicking myself for the rest of the year about how I failed myself. It is not worth it. If you want to lose weight it is okay to start in march or September. January 1st does not have to be the start of failure.rgthomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05264301998878814593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4975740141370165914.post-72820357895316216332011-12-29T00:51:00.001-08:002011-12-29T00:51:42.350-08:00ClothesI'm going to say it and if might offend some of you, the older I get the more I like clothes made in Cambodia. They really know they are doing.rgthomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05264301998878814593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4975740141370165914.post-35228498965967255112011-12-27T04:52:00.001-08:002011-12-27T04:52:51.613-08:00How dare you?I called for you to listen, not to tell me i was wrong and all the ways I was wrong. Sometimes if you just let people vent they will come up with the solution on their own. The only thing they needed from you was your ears not your mouth.rgthomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05264301998878814593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4975740141370165914.post-30756333268752155302011-12-26T15:37:00.001-08:002011-12-26T16:07:55.532-08:00Me or the medicineIn the process of finding a fix for my epilepsy, I have tried all different medications, had the side effects, been taken off them and put on new ones with new side effects. It gets to the point where I do not even know if constant headaches, fatigue, mood swings, nausea, blurred vision, and dizziness are just me. No matter what the medication it all has some of this and some of that, like Texas chilli. Maybe one will give you migraines but your mood is great. Another will make you so tired you cannot stand up but your headache is very small or nonexistent. Some make you depressed so you need to add an anti depressant for more side effects but you'll have somewhat of a balance mentally. <br />
I wish doctors would take medicine sometimes so they would truly know how you feel. I think they would be more empathetic if they also had a laundry list of medications and side effects. rgthomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05264301998878814593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4975740141370165914.post-76901400166003638802011-12-25T17:00:00.001-08:002011-12-25T17:00:41.795-08:00Christmas momMy mom was different than, what I am finding out, most moms and that made it for a rough Christmas. As a child my mother invited everyone to our house for Christmas and daily dinners for that matter. I do not know if she was a saint and never wanted anyone to eat alone or if she just loved to stay In the kitchen cooking for twenty people. My dad was in the us navy and I remember her always telling him to invite all the single sailors. As I got older she would tell all of us girls to bring a friend and tell them to invite a friend. My husband has friends that were always over for the holidays, and so does my sisters husbands. I do not remember a quiet family Christmas. There was always someone. <br />
This year we are in Maine, far away from any family and it was the loneliest christmas ever. I had my husband and children but what about all the other people? Should I have invited the neighbors, strangers, or called upon the Boston redox to come and eat? They have got to be hungry. <br />
I had plans to go to a girlfriends house and spend Christmas with at least 10 people but my husband was brought up different. For him it is about being with family, just family. <br />
For the first time in 33 years four people sat at the Christmas table and my heart broke.<br />
Thank you mom for being so giving, and teaching us that family is not just husbands and children. It is friends, and friends of friends, and families that do not feel like making a huge christmas meal for two people and people that do not have family around.<br />
You taught me about family and people and for that I thank you.rgthomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05264301998878814593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4975740141370165914.post-63102405113809351642011-12-22T18:36:00.001-08:002011-12-26T08:34:50.969-08:00Rough to start overToday I had a appointment with my neurologist and like it often is I left more frustrated than when I walked in their door. I have a rare form of epilepsy and every time I see a new doctor they question whether I have seizures or not. At the medical university of south Carolina they speculated that it was just a nervous tick until an emergency EEG was done and I had fifty- nine seizures in 57 minutes. They soon apologized for their mistake. This new doctor in Maine of course cannot rely on musc's test and procedures they want to do it all over again, testing whether I have epilepsy at all. It is so frustrating to have to do it all over again every couple years. All new hospital stays, all new diets and medicines. When, when will all this stop.rgthomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05264301998878814593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4975740141370165914.post-17008410263421845822011-12-21T11:16:00.001-08:002011-12-26T16:11:31.729-08:00WaitingI sat there eating and waiting for you to come around the corner, you never came. I saw several men, tall men, blonde men but not you. Of course not you. I wanted so bad for you to be there. No words, just a smile, order a sandwich, and sit with me. Eat together and enjoy each other..... Quietly.<br />
rgthomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05264301998878814593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4975740141370165914.post-25898596254379906502011-12-11T03:43:00.000-08:002011-12-11T03:43:21.076-08:00Closer to you<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>In light of all that has happened the past 48 hours I have to question if it is easier on me because I am closer to You. </b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>My husband and I had a dear friend killed in a car accident by another friend who is in critical condition at the hospital. Yes, they were driving extremely fast while drinking. We have spoken on the phone to several people we are also friends with comforting and consulting. Here is what I have found.... Those people that know You, seem to be taking this in stride. We all comfort each other but are comforted in Your love. We know whether they were drinking or sober, driving fast or slow, if You wanted to take them You will and did. </b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>To all the people that deny you or have never known of your love and grace, they suffer. They seem to take this harder than anyone else. </b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>Is it You? Is it You that keeps us non-fearful of death? We know that there is a place way beyond earth that is luxurious and perfect. We know of your love and comfort. With You we are strong enough to lead those without your comfort to a place of joy. Thank you.</b></span>rgthomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05264301998878814593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4975740141370165914.post-52140147822452659762011-10-27T06:54:00.001-07:002011-12-26T16:12:52.247-08:00EvilWho knows you the best? Your spouse? Your parents? Friends? I am having a debate in my head about the answer. Just because someone has known you for 30 years does that mean they know you the best? Or do they know 30 years of baggage? Do they sometimes reflect on things you did 15 years ago and say "Remember I know you" Maybe they should say they knew you. In even 1 year a person can change dramatically and the person they were is no longer there. It is hard for someone to be around the people that once knew them. When conflict comes up it is automatically your fault in their eyes because 10 years ago it would have been. What about new friends that you talk to on a daily basis. Do they know you? The new you? Maybe the you that has always been there and is just now showing?<br />
<br />
Someone close to me has called me selfish and rude and confrontational when they were not even there. They have no idea how calm I have been. They assume that I am some evil person. Is this person really close to me? Do they really know me? No, I hope not.rgthomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05264301998878814593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4975740141370165914.post-17401459314849546832011-10-17T04:21:00.001-07:002011-12-26T16:13:20.377-08:00NervousOne thing is for sure, I do not have the best track record with Doctors. I am quick to shut them out and never go to another appointment. It is as if I am waiting for them to say one little thing to piss me off just so I can have an excuse to never back. Because I have all this useful information about myself I know I need to try harder to open myself up, listen to critical advice, and try not to judge them as they sit there and judge me.<br />
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I have an appointment today and I will do my best.... at least I will try.rgthomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05264301998878814593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4975740141370165914.post-24020384442981877242011-10-14T08:24:00.001-07:002011-12-26T16:14:33.772-08:00Get your Ass upLast Thursday I did not feel well, a little down in the dumps, and everyday since gets worse and worse. Thursday I called a doctor to get a referral to see a counselor as soon as possible. I know myself well enough to know nip it in the bud as soon as possible so you do not get into the danger zone. It has been a week and I still have no counselor, or medicine, or help and I get worse by the day.<br />
<br />
I tell myself to get your fat ass of the couch and do something. GO SOMEWHERE!! Anywhere!! I got into the truck today and drove around the cul-de-sac circle only to pull back into the driveway. I know what I need to do but I just cannot seem to do it (it being anything).<br />
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I just want to eat, Eat until I am sick. Eat until I hate myself.<br />
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I have now contacted all of my doctors, Neurologist, Ob-GYN, and family doctor to call in an anti-depressant for me but no one is able. Family doctor is out til next Wendsday and Neurologist only prescribes anti-epileptic drugs, OB only prescribes vaginal stuff. I ask myself, it has been 8 days now and I am still waiting for some thing to help. What if? What if I get to the danger zone and still have no help? Will they help the next person that calls and says please call this prescription, I really need it? Or will they allow another person to slip through the cracks.<br />
<br />
I hate feeling like this every couple of months for no reason. I guess I could gather many little stupid things but the truth is there is nothing REALLY wrong. Life, my life, welcome.rgthomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05264301998878814593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4975740141370165914.post-85055071433467543232011-09-20T12:06:00.000-07:002011-09-20T12:06:29.587-07:00Wasted TimeI spent 20 years of my life denying that I had epilepsy. I would convince myself I had anything but THAT disease. The more I denied it, the more it chased me. The more it chased me, the more I realized if I just embrace it I CAN make this illness better. I can defeat it or at least manage it...and I love to manage, control, boss around-- whatever you want to call it. I join in every walk I can for epilepsy and read all day about new strides within the research community, knowledge is power. I embrace this challenge God has given me and look forward to doing whatever I can to help those in the same predicament. He makes no mistakes, I guess He knew I would be a strong helper. I cannot think about the wasted time I have to plan my perfect God given future.rgthomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05264301998878814593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4975740141370165914.post-50927146687630705352011-09-14T08:21:00.001-07:002011-12-29T01:45:21.859-08:00Family TreeAs long as I live I will never forget that tree. The tree of strength and hope that sat in front of Papa's yard. We all stayed outside and climbed the tree morning day and night. We all had our designated spots. Ricky and Ryan would go all the way to the top where the branches could barely hold them. Thank goodness together they might have weighed sixty pounds. My sister would bring her book in and relax on the branches like a lazy-boy recliner. Candice and I would stay toward the shallow end of the tree, talking and reminiscing about the first six years of our lives. Rachel always seemed to be caught in the middle. She wanted to be with the boys because they were her age and she also wanted to be with all the girls. <br />
In that tree we had no worries, no fears and most important no adults to boss us around. <br />
That magnolia tree was the string that brought us all together and kept us close. We laughed, joked, and played together in that tree. <br />
Years later after papa and grandma sold the house and moved to Florida ( because isn't that what all old people do) I went back to visit that house and much to my surprise the tree was gone. The new owners cut it down. They never knew about it's comfort and joy. They put a new coat of paint on the house and fixed up the barn but you can never replace that tree.rgthomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05264301998878814593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4975740141370165914.post-34157874790443960232011-09-14T06:51:00.000-07:002011-09-14T06:51:54.127-07:00Too Much InformationThere is a such thing as too much information, nobody needs to know you that well. Nobody needs an inside peek at every nook and cranny of your life, your failures and tragedies, goals attained and successes. People have a bad habit at loosing interest and let's be honest, respect for you. As much as we try to be nonjudgmental and open to new things, we are not built that way. Yes, at first we can be somewhat intrigued by your life experiences, but soon you have lost us. People love mystery, we enjoy the wonder of where you have been and what you have done. As you remain mysterious, we remain intrigued.<br />
Think for a moment about romantic relationships, if sex happens on the first night, the relationship is liable to go to the dust. The partner has already seen the inside package and has essentially lost interest. Now, what if you hold out, a month, a week, a year, the suspense remains and as does the relationship (if it was ever going to be one).<br />
The same goes with friendships, once you have opened your banana peel all the way, your phone suddenly stops ringing and the relationship is gone. Keep the mystery, keep the admiration for what we think your life was like. The suspense is better than the knowing.rgthomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05264301998878814593noreply@blogger.com0