God

My husband has been home the last several days, so if we need to go somewhere he offers to drive and we gladly accept. Here is the thing, as much as I have complained, pitched a down right fit about driving, now I miss walking. I realize how much I have missed the nice cool air and exercise. I do not feel as good in a car. There is no accomplishment to riding to Walmart, but huge rewards to walking the four miles. I always drink tons of water on those day and eat healthier. Recently, while he is home, I may drink one glass of water and a full container of cookies. I see which scenario is better and rather than complain I need to Thank God for taking my driving ability away and allowing me to be healthy. 


Thank you God for letting me take the slow route in life and really enjoying it. Thank you for finding a way for my children and I to be healthy and fit.

Missing you

I cried today, not for me-- but for you. While you are hiding, I am weeping. I miss you so much; The you I know, we know, deep down you really know.  I pray that you will make it through this troubled time and come out swinging for the next trial. Know always that I loved you just the way you were.

2 Choices

"I don't drive."
"Why"




1) I went out too many times, drove drunk and got my license taken away. I could go into details (made up) about having a great time, running into a tree or almost hitting a small child. I could even name drinks and the rude cops that made me cry. 


or I could tell the truth


2) I could tell you that I have epilepsy and the state thinks I should not drive. I could tell you that sometimes I do cry when my boys and I want so bad to be able to go and just cannot get there. I then have to listen to your pity. I hear you say, your there for me or your sorry to hear that. Questions go on and on about how do I get here and there and do this and that. 


Sometimes it is easier for you think I am a drunk. I did this to myself.

Epilepsy Groups

I belong to a group online for epilepsy and a man wrote on there that he rode twenty miles on his bike. I think about him all the time and wonder if it started out as him riding because he had to get milk from the grocery store. Does he ride for enjoyment? Did his body just get used to riding, one day he was going one mile and the next 20? Am I going to go as far as him? I am needing milk now and can go eight miles but years from now will I be walking 26 miles in a marathon because I am used to it? To the man that goes the distance on his bike keep on, at least we are healthy, or as healthy as we can be.

Training

I decided to put my best foot forward and sign up to do a 5K for epilepsy. There is one coming up in September and I am going to be ready. Training begins. Eat better, Run Faster, Buy new Tennis shoes, Stay Hydrated. We will do it. My 5 year old son wants to do it with me. I am so proud of him. He will probably be the first to the finish line.
One of the greatest things about my condition is my healthy children. They can run circles around most children because if they want to go somewhere, they grab their tennis shoes. They eat cake, and cookies, then run it off so they can get a library book. I am a proud mommy.
Good Luck to me.

Blubbering Idiot

I never though a simple question like what are your hobbies could turn me stupid. I went out with a couple ladies the other night and one of them turned to me and asked, "So what are your hobbies?" I looked at her with a blank stare and she returned with,"What do you like to do?" I realized then how stupid I must look so I need to answer something. Truth is I have no idea. I get so excited when someone says, "Do you want to go...." that I always say yes. It could be hiking, shopping, or riding to the dump to help them carry garbage, I love it. I get out of the house in a car.  Does walking because I have to consist of a hobby? I admit I love to walk and walked before I lost my license but the thrill is gone when you do it because of need not want. I have decided to look deep this week into things that I really enjoy doing.


Hours later:
A hobby that I would add is moving furniture. I will move all the furniture in all my house at least once a month. I have thought about several different reasons, one of which is control. Moving a bed from here to there is something I can control. I cannot control whether I have a seizure or not and apparently neither can Doctors.  I cannot control whether you say you are coming to get me and never show up or show up hours later. I cannot control life but I can control location of my chair and table, pictures and decor. I need to control something and I get a sense of joy with that. I feel strong and powerful and everyone needs to feel strong in something they do.
It could also could be that my father was in the military and for several years we moved every couple years. I had constant change in my life. Nothing ever seemed to be the same. New friends, new home, new placement of furniture. I got used to it and moving a table from here to there comforts me. Again we all need comfort. Comfort food, comfortable clothes. We search for it and find it where ever we can.

Keep Staring

I see you staring at me as you pass by in your decked out, leather seat, GMC Yukon. I bet you have air conditioning in that truck too. Is it even on? Do you see the sweat pouring down my chest and by boys red cheeks? Yeah, we ran out of water hours ago and my husband has us on a budget. No stopping at the store for drinks and ice cream for us.

Don’t worry we don’t need a ride, not like you would ever ask. I just tie Big Lots bags on the stroller for fun.

I bet you think I’m one of those many individuals that are suffering right now with the economy. I bet you think I shop at Big Lots because that is all I can afford. I bet you think I’ve lost my job and I’m going to lose my house soon, but no.

The strangest thing is I wish I was.  The economy will eventually turn around; everyone will have employment again and places to live. Maybe not the same job and house, different paychecks and mortgages but they will have something.

I will still be walking, and you will still be staring.